Up, Up & Away…..

This morning the sun rose to find me sitting in a first class seat to Key West. Why? Because my kids have gone back to their father’s house, and the silence in my own home is deafening to my ears and damaging to my heart. It’s not that there isn’t plenty I could find to do at home. In fact, my to do list is running over and at risk of threatening my peace of mind. Honestly, I literally chuckled out loud as I typed that phrase: “peace of mind”. As if my mind has ever experienced a moment of peace in my entire 35 years on this planet. You see, just to give you a little deeper insight into whom you’re hearing from in this blog, I live with a fairly severe case of anxiety. While I realize that “anxiety” is a term loosely tossed around in this day and age, in my case it is not a term, its a formal diagnosis. Further than that, it is a prison, a sentence, a daily reminder of every attempt and failure. And that’s not to say that I haven’t experienced my fair share of successes. In fact, I would count myself to be incredibly successful, and I attribute my success to my upbringing and my fiery determination. With all that disclosed, I find myself bound to admit that if my mind is left to idle, it has a tendency to become chaotic and self destructive. Even as I try to sort through my ideas for this particular post, I recognize the words and thoughts to be fragmented and scattered. In fact, the further I fly, and with each key I tap on this laptop, the deeper I descend into my anxious state. I am now (as I usually am able to do at a certain point) swallowing the fact that I am in the midst of a full on anxiety attack. My mind instinctively instructs my hands to reach for a pen, a journal, a laptop, any vessel for which to help as many extra thoughts and words to escape my head, and fears and cares to escape my chest as it tightens around each breath I struggle to drag in and force out. I feel the urge to apologize for the state of this disorderly piece, but I’m equally inclined not to apologize at all for what I fight and deal with and attempt to hide from the world. This blog in itself provides a file of anxiety to be categorized within the rest as I have devoted my existence to hiding my flaw and shielding others from its affects. But here, in this space, I realize that I will have to strip it down, peel it back, and reveal to so many others who have no idea, some who love someone struggling with, or some others who find themselves floundering within the stormy seas of their own anxiety disorder. I do have to say, though, that I don’t 100% resent my “condition”, as it provides a well of ambition, determination, perseverance and drive for accomplishment.
I’m honestly not sure how I arrived at the end of this post, or if this even is the end of the post, but one thing I am certain of is that I need to get off the crazy train and channel all of this extra energy and attentive focus. If I choose to let it go it will become overwhelming and self destructive, whereas, adversely, if I reign it in and ride the wave, I can create great successes with it. That’s what life is all about, right? Using your flaws to your advantage. Taking your negatives for making your positives. If more people would discover, or simply apply that solution, the whole world would be a much different place.
Well, y’all…this is goodbye, till next time.
Love yourself (all of yourself),
Laura Lee

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *